What Your Favorite Album of 2022 Says About You

Consider this the Matrix Resurrections of this series in that it’s a legacy sequel that ends the franchise for good. Also, both Lana Wachowski and I came out as trans in between the sequels, yes, this is the same author as the others. Feel free to come up with your own Weyes Blood blurb, I couldn’t think of anything.

Mitski — Laurel Hell: You really want Mitski to love you back. You’re convinced shouting “MOMMY!” at every show will do the trick.

MUNA — MUNA: MUNA does love you back, in a passionate but healthy way that respects both parties’ autonomy and personal boundaries 💖 (also in a gay way 😉)

Charli XCX — CRASH: Charli hates you back. You put your avoidant attachment style in your Tinder bio.

Kim Petras — Slut Pop: You put “Submissive and Breedable” in your Tinder bio. You used to date this skeevy older guy all your friends hated, but you finally broke things off this year. (You still defend him, though.)

Kendrick Lamar — Mr Morale and the Big Steppers: You were permanently exiled from controlling the music after queuing up “We Cry Together” at a house party (you just thought it was a song everyone needed to hear, you even pulled up the clean version!)

J.I.D — The Forever Story: You don’t know how to feel about “Enemy,” but your older brother’s favorite also did an Imagine Dragons remix back in the day and you respect the hustle. You have conflicted, impeccably rendered emotions about bologna sandwiches.

Bartees Strange — Farm To Table: You secretly want a feature on an Imagine Dragons song, but you will never admit it.

Alex G — God Save The Animals: You like the Red Hot Chili Peppers most when they’re in their feelings. One day you’ll share your By The Way hyperpop remix project with the world and it‘s going to blow everyone’s minds.

Red Hot Chili Peppers — Unlimited Love: You haven’t had feelings since 2002, maybe 2006 because there are some moody gems on Stadium Arcadium. Fine, “Dark Necessities” is cool for the first ten seconds or so.

Red Hot Chili Peppers — Return of the Dream Canteen: That “Abracadabralifornia” prank got you good.

Florence + the Machine — Dance Fever: You got really into witchcraft and dancing over the lockdown. The only drawback is that Jack Antonoff now co-produces your soul, meaning your dancing is polished and occasionally inspired but it never quite hits as hard as it could and everyone’s really weird about you.

Kehlani — Blue Water Road: You’re in a spiritually fulfilling relationship, the kind you’d call a twin flame if you didn’t know by now how toxic that concept was. You told your Scorpio Venus partner you want to ‘live in their skin’ and they found it romantic instead of creepy.

Ethel Cain — preacher’s daughter: You actually live in your partner’s skin — it makes a good weighted blanket for keeping warm during the chilly Tallahassee nights.

Maggie Rogers — Surrender: You’ve put a hex on every Supreme Court justice that voted to overturn Roe V Wade. You believe in the power of rock to save the world, and particularly in the power of adult alternative that sounds like Sarah McLaughlin got really into Sky Ferreira (complimentary).

Madison Cunningham — Revealer: You believe in the power of adult alternative that sounds like Sheryl Crow got really into Weyes Blood (complimentary)

Rina Sawayama — Hold The Girl: Your inner child work helped you embody your loud, brash younger self, and it’s healing you! It’s just that your friends are fed up with you saying things like “IF YOU ARE BRAVE IT’S BECAUSE YOU CAN SLAY” at the top of your lungs.

Dawn Richard and Spencer Zahn — Pigments: As soon as you first heard Dawn Richard in Danity Kane, you immediately predicted she would go on to a critically acclaimed electronica-R&B career and make a gorgeous experimental ambient album, but nobody believed you. Well, you proved them wrong!

Big Thief — Dragon New Warm Mountain I Believe In You: You spent a lot of time wandering around Stew Leonard’s as a child. Fixating on the cow animatronics in the dairy aisle did weird things to your brain.

Sky Ferreira — Masochism: The other albums in your top 5 are Chromatics’ Dear Tommy, Adele: Live From Vegas March 2022, My Bloody Valentine LP4 (prod. Jack Antonoff), and Maroon 5’s soulful, pleading back-to-basics record that’s actually just Robin Thicke’s Paula again.

Nilufer Yanya — PAINLESS: You have restless leg syndrome. You love running errands, harnessing your anxiety by relentlessly speeding around the city and completing the day’s tasks with maximum efficiency and coolness.

The Weeknd — Dawn FM: You died briefly and on your deathbed admitted you prefer The Mask to Eternal Sunshine. Your Letterboxd followers had lots of questions for you when you woke back up. — Blurb courtesy of Nortey Dowuona

The 1975 — Being Funny in a Foreign Language: You also love running errands, but mostly to hear and comment on the music in the pharmacy where you pick up your Lexapro. Hearing “Chocolate” over the PA sent you into an existential crisis.

Alt-J — The Dream: Dude, you have to see this video, these two guys eat rice cakes and imitate Alt-J, funniest shit of 2015. What? You’re saying “Get Better” is genuinely heartbreaking? I don’t believe you.

Fletcher — Girl of My Dreams: Girl, you gotta get over your ex — no, don’t stalk her new girlfriend, wAIT what are you doing oh no you just slid into her DMs again ugh

Pool Kids — Pool Kids: You want to start another fifth wave emo band; you wish that you could be like the Pool Kids, cause all the Pool Kids, they seem to fit in. (But you won’t start a band, because you keep getting distracted by this one group chat you’re in.)

Bjork — Fossora: You consume psilocybin mushrooms like they’re regular mushrooms, but found out that too many regular mushrooms made you hallucinate. To stop tripping, you needed to solve a riddle, conduct a reggaeton woodwind symphony, and sacrifice your most prized audio gear to mastering engineer Heba Kadry. You went through all this before your partner woke up.

Kane Brown — Different Man: You have no idea what the fuck that blurb was talking about. “One Mississippi” goes off though.

The Smile — A Light For Attracting Attention: You’ll Never Get A New Radiohead Album Again, so you’ve spent hours debating on whether this goes above or below Hail To The Thief on your ranking. You’ve decided it’s below, but above King of Limbs.

Alvvays — Blue Rev: You sign off every text with a sparkle emoji and one of those cute iMessage animations. You’re honestly so smart and a delight to be around, I’d love to see you more often! No pressure though ✨🥰😍

Gang of Youths — Angel in Realtime: You tell long, elaborate stories with extended tangents about football and barely relevant analogies to Titus Andronicus albums, but everyone sits enraptured because it’s just that riveting. You’ve said, with total conviction, that if you ever cross paths with Win Butler, he’ll have to change his name to Lose Butler.

Black County New Road — Ants From Up There: A user you follow on RateYourMusic called this Sprechgesang of Youths in the sidebar and stopped there. You were mad, but they pointed out that it’s perfectly in line with Isaac Wood’s pop culture-obsessive lyrics and effusive self-deprecation. You sent a similarly wordy reply about Wood’s departure, then edited it several days later to take out the tangent about Charli XCX. You kept the one about fighting Win Butler, though.

Arcade Fire — WE: You work at Risa Heller Communications LLC. Or you’re Win Butler.

Denzel Curry — Melt My Eyes, See Your Future: You’ve finally been able to explain to your friends your deeply held fears and traumas, and you’ve been graciously accepted. Now you only want to eat kale and speak about how difficult zoning ordinances are for the poor, and now your friends wish you would go back to yelling about learning Kung Fu to impress the ladies. — blurb courtesy of Nortey Dowuona

MJ Lenderman — Boat Songs: You graduated summa cum laude from a small liberal arts university with a world-renowned English program. Your friend made a double entendre involving “summa cum”, and you laughed, because lame double entendres are funny like the Earth is round.

Muse — Will Of The People: You think lame double entendres are funny, but you’re convinced the Earth is flat.

Chainsmokers — So Far So Good: You haven’t worn a mask in months, you go to EDM concerts every weekend, and because you’re so lucky and everything is perfect in your life, you never even got an asymptomatic case of COVID. You’re still bitter because she won’t text you back.

Beyoncé — Renaissance: You’re correct tbh.

Drake — Honestly Nevermind: H̵o̵n̵e̵s̵t̵l̵y̵,̵ ̵n̵e̵v̵e̵r̵m̵i̵n̵d̵ You’re one of the Instagram models Drake married in that video — and even then, you’re lIstening to Renaissance when he looks away.

Meghan Trainor — Takin’ It Back: You might not know what a tradwife is, but that’s what you are, and you’re making it everyone else’s problem again.

Lizzo — Special: You show up to Target wearing disco shorts, glitter makeup, and a T-shirt that says “U GO GIRL!” (and clarify, unprompted, that you mean “girl” in a gender neutral way.) — blurb courtesy of Oliver Maier and Amber Nikolayi

Carly Rae Jepsen — The Loneliest Time: You know the true, unconditional love you’ve been seeking your whole life doesn’t exist, but it’s more fun to daydream of someone sweeping you off your feet — you’re too much of an idealist to settle for less. Btw, don’t text that Chainsmokers fan back, even, nay especially, if he has a beach house in Malibu.

Yard Act — The Overload: You expected a version of Black Midi that was more annoying, and you accidentally got a solid record that sounds like a 90s remix compilation of “Parklife” without the “all the people, so many people” bits.

Black Midi — Hellfire: You expected a version of Black Midi that was more annoying; this exceeded your expectations (affectionate)

Tate McRae — I used to think I could fly: You weren’t the problem in that relationship, and I’m sorry he made you feel like you were. If people can’t get past you sounding like a protagonist on a short-lived Nick Jr. show, that’s on them.

Taylor Swift — Midnights: Hi, it’s you, you were the problem, it’s you. But you got back at your ex in your valedictorian speech, all while subtly promoting your TikTok account #cottagecore #indiesleaze #2014tumblrrevival #formergiftedkidburnout #gaylor #straightlor #solanadelreyvinyl

Wet Leg — Wet Leg: Beneath your aloof, dissociative facade you’re the same quirky RANDOM XD kid you used to be — you’re not fooling anyone, but you’re more fun to be around when you embrace your silliness. Harry Styles singing “Wet Dream” made you question your sexuality and your gender, just a little.

Harry Styles — Harry’s House: You’re quiet and pensive, giving an air of sophistication until you open your mouth. You’re not stupid, but you need to stop acting like you’re above it all. Actually, just stop acting in general.

Dry Cleaning — Stumpwork: Someone should really butter your damn muffin so the YouTube algorithm stops recommending “Chaise Lounge” all the time. But you find algorithms wryly amusing instead of paranoia-inducing these days.

Blackbear — In Loving Memory: You post long rambling Instagram captions about living in the moment, and you’re really committing to it because this trap pop punk stuff is going to age horribly by 2030.

Bo Burnham — Inside Outtakes: You suspect we won’t make it to 2030 anyway. You can’t hang out with your friends because you keep doomscrolling. You can’t even look at your girlfriend without thinking “oh my god she has no bodily autonomy and she was born into a patriarchy that will never value her no matter how much progress we think we make, how does she even live, this is my fault and I need to make it about ME”, spending the next hour wavering between laughing at yourself and earnestly feeling concerned.

Tomberlin — IDKWNTHT…: You’ve tried to do the best you can be given those circumstances. You’re not a touchy person, or even a particularly friendly one, but you’ve been hugging your friends a lot more lately.

Wolf Alice — Blue Lullaby: Once a tattooed, wild-eyed rocker, you now come home from your high powered executive job to put your kid to bed, tucking them in and giving them a kiss goodnight. Long Covid took away your singing voice; that’s why Elie Roswell’s coming over the Sonos instead. When Roswell asks “how can I make it okay,” you look at your child and wonder the same thing.

Marcus Mumford — (Self Titled): You haven’t always been a great person — that Jordan Peterson phase, yikes — and you still pine so much for your ex that even years later, you’re building a life with her closest doppelgänger. Yet you still want to be the person your extraordinarily successful wife sees in you, even when it feels like every conversation you have starts out small and escalates until it’s overblown and overproduced. You’re tired of thinking about all of that, tired of all the discourse and references to things you don’t understand, so you throw Ted Lasso and zone out for a bit.